Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did