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How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.