Eating wings is the opposite of flying
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..