Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Seek kebab; not attention
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy