A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
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[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.