*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
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This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
What do you hear?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.