count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
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Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Quadruple digit IQ
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”