I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
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For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.