The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
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Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible