“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
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i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I forgot how to panic. Help
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had