Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
You Might Also Like
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”