please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
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if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I love the National Park Service.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.