Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
(Electricians.)
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas