My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.