Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
water it, i dare you
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight