At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.