Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”