Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.