Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
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Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
wtf management?!
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*