*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
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me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.