From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
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Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*