Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
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when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.