I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
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Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
When I laugh on my period
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
when you are just born a rebel