None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
You Might Also Like
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Cat is stressing him out.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
This came to me in a dream.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”