I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
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Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first