Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
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Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.