I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
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Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Speak now or ever hold your peace
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does