Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
(Electricians.)
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?