Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
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The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.