My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
You Might Also Like
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
early stone age tool
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.