News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
buying dead houseplants to save time
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car