The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
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I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.