[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
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Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
We’ve all been there…
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”