TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
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Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Okay me first
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question