My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
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Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/