It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
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wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO