I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
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Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.