I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.