When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
You Might Also Like
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Don’t snitch tag.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.