“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]