God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
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me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”