Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
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his wife is probably gonna see that
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.