Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?