50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
You Might Also Like
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
okay run it by me one more time
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point