My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
You Might Also Like
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors