Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
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One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
next level snooze
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not