I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
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What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Why is no one talking about this?!
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement