RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
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Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color