October already? What’s next? November????
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CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter