If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I think I accidentally became a nun:
â not banging
â may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
â loves long dresses
â has a lot of habits
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
if this isnât a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where iâm going when iâm carrying something heavy
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
wanna know whatâs worse than being cheated on? finding out heâs trying to cheat but nobody wants him đ
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chiliâs gift card* I hate you guys
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen đ
– me flirting
Asked him his height and heâs been typing for 2 minutes đ¤¨
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
If you leave me a voicemail that just says âcall me back, I have a questionâ I am coming to burn your house down.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldnât wait until it was over?
2019: âHow you like me now?â
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that thereâs no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Government: âyou need to post salary ranges on all of your job openingsâ
Companies: âokay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per yearâ
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – âIâll be the leader.â